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Getting Out of Abusive Relationships
I’ve been in several long-term relationships over 40 years, and I’ve always made the decision to leave. Violence doesn’t always make me want to leave, but it usually makes me wonder, “Why am I here?” was related to the question.
To me, a relationship should be something that enhances and adds to our lives like icing on a cake. We shouldn’t expect a relationship to be a cakewalk and fulfill every need we have, but there are certain needs that we naturally want a relationship to fill; the need for intimacy, sexuality, care, nurturing and companionship.
I learned a long time ago that relying too much on one person is not healthy, but in a codependent relationship we develop a healthy dependence on each other.
When I asked myself the question, “Why am I here,” I concluded that I was in this relationship more out of a sense of duty and obligation than choice.
Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It!” with the title song. We may think we’re in a relationship for love, but often love has very little to do with the reason we stay. In fact, sometimes we show the greatest love to ourselves and others by making the decision to leave a relationship that no longer works.
As our society moves into the new millennium, where divorce and close relationships are encouraged, there is no need to have a bad marriage just because you have vowed “till you die”. I understood the oath to mean “Until the death of the party rather than the death of the party”. What good is waiting for someone to die, especially if the alliance is already dead? If there are no positive qualities that bind us together, it seems that both parties are obligated to change things or end the relationship.
“Why are you here?” I answered because I was usually a coward and afraid to leave. Financial reasons, children, responsibilities or most importantly “fear of flying by myself”. The reason had nothing to do with that relationship that positively impacted my life. On the contrary, at this point it was ruining my life, mostly because of the energy drain required to indulge in the illusion of a relationship.
In relationships with narcissistic partners, I have considered leaving many times before leaving. There have been times when we broke up for a while and were re-integrated into a relationship by an invisible force. There has always been a bond that sticks like glue to a relationship deep in the soul, perceived as love. Abandonment was hardly an option as the Crows were needed to cover Bond’s losses. I felt like we were Siamese twins, not knowing which part belonged to me and which part belonged to him.
Narcissistic lovers have no real boundaries, so a relationship with these charming charmers is a complete union of souls. When he’s not in my life, I feel like a part of my soul is missing, leaving him is like leaving a part of my soul behind. My approach was to romanticize this whole powerful connection and create the belief that we were somehow together. However, instinctively, I always knew I was better off without him. He never took emotional responsibility for his relationship. He was always right and I was always to blame for everything. I served an important purpose in his life, because without me, to whom would he show all his shortcomings? It makes sense that my feelings of inadequacy only deepened in the relationship. My image of a strong, capable, loving and caring woman has slowly faded away and I am now a shadow of my former self. Meanwhile, his confidence seems to be growing. His life is getting better! He was living his dream while mine was falling apart. What was wrong with this picture? Was I really that lacking?
It was concluded that there was a lot of imbalance in this combination and it was affecting me negatively. Sorting it all out within a relationship was often too confusing and was the only option left. In both relationships, the narcissist told himself that if the love was real, it would last through the breakup. True love will win in the end, right?
However, twice I left the relationship with the truth that I had hidden to the surface of my consciousness like a tsunami. When I drew the line in my relationship and was a nice, kind, sweet girl, things were relatively calm. But when I question the integrity of the relationship and dare to reclaim my power, all hell breaks loose. How dare I! How dare I be strong and capable and regain my strength! He thrived on my power! The part I was giving him! He felt all the power and I was powerless! So reclaiming my power would mean upsetting his delicate balance. He was to punish me by showing how much I was capable of spending; I had no need, no need.
It shocked me to realize how small love really is. If this person really loved me, why would he treat me like this? Why would he go out of his way to show me how much I mean to him? Why would he wait for this moment, the moment I decided to redeem myself, to show him how he really felt? The big question is, “Why did I doubt myself all these years after believing that he really cared for her?” How many years have I wasted? What would have happened if I had gone back to when I started having these instincts?
Now I’m like, “But I love him! We have such a strong relationship. I can’t leave! I can’t walk away! I can’t stop thinking about him!” I work with many women who say. I remember those feelings very well! What is it about this person that makes me want to stay, even though it kills me to my core?
Leaving is like death! And this is rebirth! I feel that in situations like this we unconsciously merge with this narcissistic being and lose ourselves in the resulting union. We forget ourselves in it! We commit ourselves completely to this enterprise, but there is a little voice inside of us that tells us that if we don’t get out, we’re going to die here. And this is true. We will die there! It’s not physical death, at least not immediately, but it’s the slow erosion of cancer that completely robs us of the presence we once had. Little by little, we sacrifice ourselves to this person who feeds off our energy, capitalizes on his strengths, and reminds us of our shortcomings. We give our strength to keep the peace, and often maintain the illusion that we are in a loving relationship.
How much strength can we muster to start life without him when we are just a fragile little shell? We built our lives and dreams around it. He is our reason for living. We would die for her! Oh…we’re dying for her.
Is he where he wants us to be? Powerless! Hopeless! Fragile! Afraid! Financially relevant! Oh yes!
When we are powerless, he has a control over his life that equates to security. When we leave, she goes through an initial period of hostility or rejection, and maybe two attempts to get us back in and put us back where we belong. But it’s really hard to go back to a place you’ve been to. We taste freedom and it tastes bitter. We want what we always wanted; A positive proof of His love and us. But we know we’ll never get it! Not really! He might confirm it temporarily to get us back to his place, but that’s it. Or he will not want to waste more energy on us and will simply find a suitable or “better” replacement. We see our beautiful new love lined up in front of us, reminding us of how much we used to value her and how easily we can be replaced.
Oh she is, a new woman. I remember from the beginning we could do no wrong. We remember how he rushed into our lives and restored our faith in love and made our dreams come true. Before autumn! We see it when we see him. That’s us before autumn! He is still in the glory days and we are in the dark night of the soul. It doesn’t seem fair.
No matter how hard we try, we can never relive the moments when love was fresh and new. Too much happened! Faith is gone! We are gone and must face the truth that it was never real! It was a fake love built on an illusion. Of course, he must have believed the illusion at first. He might be pretending. In the past, it may have seemed real to him. But when the illusion is shattered, the truth is revealed and those who don’t want to face the truth run.
In any healthy relationship, there comes a time when the first love of a new love turns into true love based on honesty, open communication, and caring. It is based on the dignity and respect of others and a commitment to work for yourself and your relationships. Those who believe that he will come into their lives like a knight on a white horse and sweep them off their feet are about to fall. True love is not something we fall for. It is something that grows through mutual trust and commitment. If we are with immature partners, there is no hope of true love unless they have a personal commitment to growth.
The problem with narcissists is that they don’t see themselves as they really are. They don’t believe they need to grow. They believe you are immature and troubled. So there is really no hope for change. Our departure will not send them the message that they need to be self-reflective. On the contrary! Leaving us confirms that we have a problem and they need to find someone better so they don’t fall victim to our abuse anymore.
I believe the key to leaving an abusive relationship is simply making the decision to leave and giving God the details. Every time I decided to quit, something happened to get me out of there. It wasn’t pretty or easy, but it got the job done. So if you’re expecting the easy way out, you might be in for a long wait. Breaking the bonds of these attractive negative emotions is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s also the most important thing you can do for yourself.
So I tell my clients to make a decision to go to the four corners of the world, and let’s do it! Just do it! Get yourself out of there. If you doubt yourself, tell yourself the same thing I did. If love is true, it will endure this separation. It usually ends up being a lie we tell ourselves, but whatever happens.
Surround yourself with friends and support groups that will help you make this transition. You don’t have to do it alone. There are many people who are going through the same thing.
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