Love Look What You Ve Done To Me Sheet Music The Guiltless Affair

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The Guiltless Affair

I get a strange pleasure from talking about cheating with my husband. Events. Scandals. I can’t help but pick it up, scanning her eyes for a twinkle of guilt, looking for any redness around her collar, trying to catch a whiff of a woman’s perfume when she leans in to hug me and promises never to. , never leave me for someone else.

Despite my continued vigilance, I have yet to find any clues that my husband is cheating. In the deepest recesses of his closet are only cotton balls. Her voicemail messages at work are boring and mundane. The credit card statement reveals that Hubs eats a lot more barbecue for lunch than he admits, and contains no hidden charges. Okay, okay, I can be a cheater- but I watched an episode of Cheaters and the two-tone Tammy was like, “We had a baby together! We had a baby together! How could you?” this to me!” to her boyfriend of six years after catching her in a Popeye’s parking lot with her roommate/sister/best friend.

I’m not alone either. Hubs sometimes like to drop by unannounced in the middle of the day to “see what I’m up to.” A few months ago, when I went out of town with the kids, I found him rummaging through my bathroom cabinet looking for God knows what. He also admitted my ex-boyfriend to Google. I like that kind of thing. I told Hubs I never wanted a boyfriend. But I admitted that I really wanted a fan.

My fan is pretty good-looking, enough to give my husband pause, but she’s also an advocate of friendly love and will have that “never touch you” look. a little drunk, no one around” and so on.

But my admirer would be content to send me flowers (Casablanca lilies), boxes of candy (Godiva) and a book of poems (Neruda) with something like, “When I saw you in the car this morning in the sun.” I realized that I have never seen anyone or anything more beautiful than your hair.” Or, “You fold beautiful, perfect fabric that others can only dream of. Thanks for being you.” Or even “You’re the hottest soccer mom this side of the Mississippi. Ah-OOO-gah!” I’m not special. It’s the thought that matters.

My husband may not like all the attention my fan is giving me, but he has a lot of fans of his own, so he’ll have to put up with it. The nature of his work means that people often come up to him and tell him how great he is. He likes to tell me these stories, and I’m like, “Oh, that’s exactly what happened to me today. I was in the supermarket when a complete stranger walked up and said, ‘I love your ability to at least save.’ 25% of your grocery bill every time you shop!'” I would get quietly pissed off as the hubs generally snorted sarcastically. But my fanboy would put a stop to that behavior.

“Guys,” she says, taking my husband’s hand and shaking it heartily, “I hope you know you’re a very lucky man.” Hubs looks a little uncomfortable when he notices my fan’s firm handshake and polite look. That night, the Hubs proposed to have their own big bouquet, dinner and dance. Or dinner and drinks is more our style.

“Oh my god,” I said to him when he called me for the fifth time in a week, hearing my sweet voice, “I can’t accept your gift. You’ve been amazing, but between you and me, I think Hubs is a little jealous.” is.”

“Lucinda,” he whispered with just the right mix of regret and pity, “I’ll be content to admire you from afar if it makes your life easier. But I’ve dedicated my life to you, and none of you can ignore the evidence of that.” Unfortunately, we both hung up.

After weeks of not hearing from a fan, my husband would quietly bring me the “Live” section of the newspaper. It will be headlined, “Local Artist Receives International Recognition for ‘Lucinda’ Series.” Next to her oil painting, Lucinda with the Sun in Her Hair, would be a fan of mine, her intense, questioning eyes burning on newsprint.

In a little while, I will be named Parent Magazine’s Mom of the Year based on anonymous submissions. Hubs try to pretend she’s mailed it in the post, but the editor admits that I’m “a remarkable man who manages my life with my husband and three kids, manages inner peace, and dazzles the locals with my otherworldly beauty.” Other contributors would ask me who was responsible for the photo I took and the free trip to New York.

By the end of that year, “Lucinda (Love of My Life)” topped the adult contemporary charts.

I would join the super exclusive ranks of world famous muses. Sometimes Vogue or Vanity Fair would do a short piece on me, even if I wanted to remain anonymous. The only picture they could protect would be of me rushing between the van and the front door, balancing Baby and a bag of soccer balls with one hand and holding big sunglasses and Pucci in front of me with the other. scarfed face. Readers will note, however, that I have a furrowed brow and a hasty spring in my step. Soon I will have fans from all over the world showing up at my door.

So, you see what’s wrong with the rush and lots of post-sex guilt? Fandom is definitely the way to go. If you know of any good candidates, you’ll be happy to check their skills…

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